<VV> Should be required Reading for commenters (No Corvair - I hope!)

[Sethracer at aol.com]

Guide to being a jerk on line with your  comments (Laugh, please!)   
Announce Your First-ness. There is truly no  greater calling than being the 
first person to comment on a site with several  commenters. The best way to 
claim your territory is simply to post "FIRST!" (in  all caps, and 
preferably in an increased the font size). You will instantly earn  the respect—nay, 
the fear—of your so-called peers.  
Hit and Run. It's a tried and true tactic  for upping your own profile and 
traffic: Stop on some blog that you wouldn't  otherwise visit in one billion 
years, make a comment, and leave. Try only to do  this on posts that you 
absolutely don't care about at all. There's no need to  ever come back and 
form any kind of bond with the original poster or subsequent  commenters. Those 
are people to be used and abused, and you already have  friends. Probably.  
Always Pimp Yourself. Leave links to your  site (or better yet sites). Even 
if you're anonymous—and you should be,  because standing behind your 
comments with your own name as if you believe in  your convictions is just plain 
stupid—find a way to link some URLs in every  post. You can lure away the 
readers so they can read something by someone truly  brilliant—you. Or just 
Rick Roll them. That's still a thing, we swear. 
Start a New Topic. If someone writes a post  about mustard, you should 
steer the conversation toward ketchup. If the video in  question is about the 
daytime, you should be sure to point out how great the  darkness is at night. 
You don't have to stay on topic and other readers will  thoroughly enjoy 
your hijacking of the conversation.  
Make Sweeping Generalizations. Commenting  is, essentially, arguing. The 
best arguments are those that are reduced to slap  fights and that's a 
scientific fact. Since you can't slap people over the Web  (yet), settle for doling 
out general, sweeping "facts." Our favorite here is,  "You're all 
Microsoft/Intel/Apple shills." (Pick one.) And of course, nothing  wins an argument 
faster than calling someone a Nazi or comparing him or her to  Hitler. Better 
yet, try suggesting they're all shills for the Third Reich.  
Throw in Some Graphics. If the comment  system in question allows it, 
illustrate your point with, well, illustrations.  Grab some art off Google, slap 
on a caption that you find hilarious (and thus  everyone else will, too), 
and embed it in your comment. Extra points if you can  get an image that's so 
high-res that it breaks the webpage's entire layout.  
Brevity is the Soul of Not Really Getting Your Point  Across, So Write a 
Long Diatribe. When you know that what you have to  say is worth being heard, 
there's no need to be concise. Getting right to the  point is for...well, I 
don't know. You're an Internet commenter, dammit, and  it's your right to 
take your time, no matter how much meandering and repetition  ensues! If you 
can take a circuitous route to the gist of the matter, all the  better to 
draw in the noobs, because, really, what are they going to do, go read  that 
copy of The Corrections that's been sitting on their shelf for ten  years? No, 
because they want to read what you have to say. And besides, that  Franzen 
guy hates ebooks, so he's a jerk, too.  
Where was I? Oh, and should you lose your train of thought on the way, just 
 keep typing.  
If you must be brief, be so concise as to say next to nothing at all. Try  
"Whatever." Or "Your Stupid." [stet] 
ALL CAPS MEANS PASSION. WE'VE SAID IT  BEFORE, WE'LL SAY IT AGAIN: WRITING 
IN ALL CAPS JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU CARE.  
Never Respond. No  one who would try to talk to you deserves a reply. Ever. 
This is doubly true if  you're the author. Why would you ever want to 
engage the idiots who'd dare to  weigh in on what you write? Don't encourage 
them. 
Comment Policies Aren't Laws. Many blogs  and sites have a comment policy, 
such as "no personal attacks on other  commenters" and "keep to the topic at 
hand." These are, of course, simply  guidelines, not real rules. In fact, 
they are put in place by people  who want to challenge you. Well, challenge 
accepted. Go forth and break that  policy. Break it hard. Snap it in half, 
like dried twig. It's what the site  proprietor really wants, especially if 
they actively moderate comments. You want  to challenge them right to their 
stupid faces.  
Don't Be Ignored. On some sites, the  proprietor must approve your posts 
before allowing them to go live. Don't let  them get away with it. If you 
don't see your pithy prose within seconds of  hitting the enter button, start 
inundating the proprietor with questions. Where  is your post? Why didn't it 
go up? How DARE YOU NOT POST IT! Patience is, after  all, for suckers.  
Nice is for Sissies. There's no room on the  Internet to bend over 
backwards to please people. You must imagine that every  person who is commenting 
around you is the most obnoxious loser you have ever  met and needs a smack 
down, which only you can provide. Also, picture them as  weak and unable to 
hit back. That will help you with the next step... 
Flame On! Flaming on comments gets a bad  wrap. Wikipedia defines it as 
"hostile and insulting interaction between  Internet users." Uh...duh. Next to 
porn, that's the whole point of the Internet!  Whether we're talking trivial 
matters, like politics, or real-world issues, like  how much the new iPad 
will suck, the point of Internet comments is to be right,  and the best way 
to prove that is to scorch the earth in a flame war.  
Speling Dosnt Count. If u think whals shuld  live in acuariims by the see, 
and more so, you believe that the first part of  this sentence looks okay, 
you're already an expert commenter. You probably also  text while driving, 
and we won't tell you to stop.  
Conspiracies Aren't Just for Nuts. Look, we  all know it was an Illuminati 
cabal that killed JFK/Princess Di/Whitney Houston,  caused Hurricane 
Katrina, and orchestrated 9/11. Or maybe it was Freemasons at  the Rotary Club. 
Either way, Internet users NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH. It's up to  you to put on 
your tin foil hat, block those mind controlling radio signals from  
Washington, and get the word out. The comments section is an excellent place to  warn 
others that Opus Dei is keeping Area 51 hidden, even if it's at the bottom  
of a YouTube video about crocheting baby-boots. 
Reverse Sandwich. There's a comment  technique called the "sandwich," which 
goes like this: Write a compliment  (bread), toss in some constructive 
criticism or insights (the delicious fatty  meat), and write a short follow-up 
compliment (more stale bread). Sounds almost  nutritious. Gross. What if you 
put all that sliced deli meat on the outside,  Double Down-style? Start with 
a biting criticism, toss in a tiny and  begrudgingly backhanded compliment 
(for example: "I guess you don't completely  suck donkey nards..."), then 
end it with one last meat-slathered personal insult  for good measure. Now 
that's filling.  
Curses. Swear. A lot. Kudos if you can  combine two bad words into one new 
one.  
By the way, all of this also applies to social networks. If you can aim 
such  comments at people you actually call your "friends," then we bow to you, 
King of  Trolldom.  
Back to my comments: 
Of Course - It you recognize yourself above, you will ignore it! -  Seth