<VV> Haynes Manuals...Translations! (General interest, No Corvair)

[airvair]

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home
maintenance of a car.

For those who have not used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at
car-owners who want to fix their own cars and which keep qualified mechanics
in paid employment putting things right afterwards.

They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which
are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are
frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants
to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't
you?
 
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
 
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
 
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
 
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a can of WD40
 
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
 
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
 
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
 
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual
because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
 
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
 
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
 
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering repeatedly under your breath.
 
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!
 
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
 
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
 
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
 
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
 
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
 
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
 
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.