<VV> Haynes Manuals...Translations! (General interest, No Corvair)

[Dave Ziegler]

On Feb 11, 2005, at 8:29 AM, airvair wrote:

> For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home
> maintenance of a car.
>
> For those who have not used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed 
> at
> car-owners who want to fix their own cars and which keep qualified 
> mechanics
> in paid employment putting things right afterwards.
>
> They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions 
> which
> are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are
> frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who 
> wants
> to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....
>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat 
> repeatedly
> with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, 
> don't
> you?
> Haynes: Should remove easily.
> Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable 
> wrench
> then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable 
> wrench
> then beat repeatedly with hammer.
> Haynes: Pry...
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
> Haynes: Undo...
> Translation: Go buy a can of WD40
> Haynes: Ease ...
> Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers 
> to
> dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your 
> forehead
> are throbbing then re-check the manual
> because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear 
> at,
> throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
> garage whilst muttering repeatedly under your breath.
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are 
> looking
> at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I 
> thought,
> it's going to need a new one"!
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you 
> know.
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate 
> heat.
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
> adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
> Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
> Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here 
> somewhere.
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> Sounds more like Chiltons to me.
Dave.. .
>
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