<VV> Re: FW: no president
Alan and Clare Wesson
alan.wesson at atlas.co.uk
Thu May 26 10:42:51 EDT 2005
So did I send it to you or did you send it to me? Either way, it's very
funny!
Thanks
Alan
----- Original Message -----
From: "Louis C. Armer, Jr." <carmerjr at mindspring.com>
To: "Alan and Clare Wesson" <alan.wesson at atlas.co.uk>;
<virtualvairs at corvair.org>
Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2005 3:21 PM
Subject: Fwd: FW: no president
>
>>Date: Tue, 24 May 2005 22:36:31 -0400
>>To: virtualvairs at corvair.org
>>From: "Louis C. Armer, Jr." <carmerjr at mindspring.com>
>>Subject: Fwd: FW: no president
>>
>>I suspect that WessonOil was instrumental in composing this
>>diatribe.........
>>VV talk ??? or just more off subject non corvair posting?
>>
>>Chuck Armer
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>>What if there was no President???
>>>
>>>
>>>In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
>>>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
>>>your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
>>>II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
>>>territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
>>>minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85 of you who
>>>have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
>>>will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
>>>elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
>>>will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To
>>>aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
>>>are introduced with immediate effect:
>>>
>>>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>>>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
>>>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
>>>reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
>>>'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
>>>to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.You will end your
>>>love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
>>>suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that
>>>the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome
>>>to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
>>>pronunciation.
>>>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
>>>"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
>>>noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
>>>form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
>>>'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
>>>with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
>>>develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>>>
>>>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
>>>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
>>>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>>>
>>>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>>>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
>>>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
>>>You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
>>>dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
>>>While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
>>>place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
>>>persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
>>>"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>>>
>>>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>>>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
>>>English characters.
>>>British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
>>>re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
>>>cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>>>
>>>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>>>Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
>>>to get confused and give up half way through.
>>>
>>>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
>>>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
>>>game. The 2.15 of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
>>>borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
>>>will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
>>>football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
>>>a difficult game.
>>>Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
>>>is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
>>>rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>>>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
>>>by 2005.
>>>You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
>>>called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
>>>America. Since only 2.15 of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>>>your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
>>>be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
>>>without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>>>
>>>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
>>>they give you any merde. The 97.85 of you who were not aware that there
>>>is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
>>>Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "".
>>>
>>>You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
>>>allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
>>>vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
>>>handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
>>>to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>>>
>>>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
>>>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
>>>Day".
>>>
>>>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>>>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>>>All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
>>>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>>>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
>>>tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
>>>sense of humour.
>>>
>>>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
>>>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
>>>97.85 of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
>>>not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
>>>potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
>>>fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
>>>should be served warm and flat.
>>>Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
>>>
>>>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
>>>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
>>>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>>>
>>>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>>>beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
>>>will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
>>>provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
>>>as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
>>>Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
>>>company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
>>>Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
>>>years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>>>
>>>13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
>>>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
>>>the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
>>>USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
>>>$6/US gallon - get used to it).
>>>
>>>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
>>>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
>>>shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
>>>handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
>>>suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
>>>to handle a gun.
>>>
>>>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>>>
>>>Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
>>>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>>>
>>>Thank you for your cooperation.
>
>
> Corvair Atlanta, BOD
> CORSA MEMBER
> CORSA Tri-Membership Chairman
> http://carmerjr.home.mindspring.com/
>
>
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