<VV> Fwd: Tool descriptions

Ken Wildman k-wildman at onu.edu
Thu Oct 6 18:43:27 EDT 2005

Some of these have a new twist.

>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and 
>flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly 
>painted airplane part you were drying.
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under 
>the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and 
>hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes 
>until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable 
>motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal 
>your future becomes.
>VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, 
>they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your 
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
>objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside 
>the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after 
>you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle 
>firmly under the bumper.
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward 
>off a hydraulic jack handle.
>PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic 
>floor jack.
>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for 
>spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known 
>drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on 
>everything you forgot to disconnect.
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that inexplicably has 
>an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a 
>drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," 
>which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, 
>it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate 
>that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours 
>of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is 
>somewhat misleading.
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style 
>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, 
>as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning 
>power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that 
>travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty 
>bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly 
>rounds off their heads.
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket 
>you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is 
>used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far 
>from the object we are trying to hit.
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard 
>cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
>such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
>magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage 
>while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool 
>that you will need.
>EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow 
>eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.


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