Louis Armer carmerjr at mindspring.com
Thu Oct 8 14:41:44 EDT 2009

This is worth the read as we all need a laugh now and then

Chuck Armer

>You can retire to   Phoenix , Arizona where.......
>1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
>2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water 
>in the toilet bowl.
>3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
>4.. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
>5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the 
>face when you open your oven door.
>6.. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
>You can retire to   California where....
>1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
>2.. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
>3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
>4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
>5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how 
>long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
>6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
>You can retire to   New York City where...
>1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
>2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get 
>from  Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find  Wisconsin on a map.
>3. You think  Central Park is "nature."
>4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own 
>language makes you multi-lingual.
>5. You've worn out a car horn. ( Ed note: if you have a car)
>You can retire to  Maine where...
>1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
>2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
>3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
>4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons..
>5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and 
>You can retire to the  Deep South where....
>1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
>2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
>3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
>4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty 
>Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
>5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." 
>It's important to know the difference, too.
>You can retire to  Colorado where...
>1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car ..
>2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so 
>he stops at the day care center.
>3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
>4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
>You can retire to the  Midwest where...
>1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name..
>2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
>3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day..
>4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
>5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It 
>was different!"
>AND You can retire to Florida where..
>1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
>2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
>3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
>4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
>5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

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